Me?

So this is gonna be a mushy deep philosophical post. 100% journal intended So please feel free to skip it.

I've been feeling very introspective lately since finding out about the move. Actually Jury Duty a few weeks ago made a huge impact on me in a strange way.

On the first day of Jury Duty I was surrounded by strangers. But within a few minutes we were cracking jokes with each other. I surprised myself a little by how outgoing I was so fast in a totally new environment. I quickly gained the "rep" of being the loud sarcastic girl whose constantly cracking dumb jokes and talking with everyone about anything. I was super outgoing and chatty with total strangers. (One of the highlights of jury duty was when one of the older ladies came back from lunch and told me she had told her husband all about me at lunch- this cute girl who made jury duty so much fun! He had asked her if she was totally bored and she had said no because there was this one cute girl who made it all super fun! How sweet right?!) I have always thought about myself as being fun and mildly outgoing but.. I dunno... I feel like lately I've kinda lost myself lately.

I mentioned it to Dan and he said it's because I let the ward we're in now intimidate me. I didn't know how I felt about that. I still don't. I have felt like there's so few people in my ward who know the real me. I don't want to not be me. But sometimes I wonder who I am. I feel like I'm many different people lately. The one trying to fit in at church, the one trying to raise responsible kids, the one who is trying to put on a brave face over being scared of moving, the one who wishes I had more close friends.

So I'm really kinda shook up over what first impression I'll make in my new ward. What niche I'll fill there. What friends I'll find. What kind of friends I'll attract (or repel) by trying to be more me this time around. It's really scary! I feel like I was alot more me in my old ward in Saratoga Springs. I was less appologetic over my bold me-ness. But in this ward I feel like I'm a strained calmed down even watered down version of the real me. So I'm trying to figure out how not to be intimidated the next time around. I'm trying to figure out what triggered me to not be me and why I let the real me stay inside the past 2 years. There's moments when I feel alive. When I feel like the real me peeps out... Like at Jury Duty I felt really alive. Maybe it was because I was the center of attention and I think I kinda liked having attention. Being a mom sometimes lends itself to putting yourself on the back burner. You try so hard to help your kids and your husband and be what they need but at the same time you find yourself losing yourself.

But I still find myself questioning who is the real me. Sometimes I think maybe the me I've been in this ward is the more mature, grown up version of my loud obnoxious immature self. But then other times I think that bold sarcastic me is when I really feel the most uninhibited... I have this friend that I've known for forever! We were in the same ward for like 10 years growing up. I ran into her at a bridal shower in Vegas a few weeks ago and she is still so very much her. And brazenly so. I LOVE IT! It was so refreshing to just be around someone who didn't appologize for being alive and real and themselves!

On a different note I struggle with fashion. In high school I was a jeans and t-shirts girl mostly. Lots of weird Savers shirts. And skater shirts. I was kinda tom-boyish I guess. But now I feel like I don't know how to dress to be me.... Ugh- trying to be me is kind of exhausting- can you tell.... I think I have issues... maybe I should see a therapist. Anyone know a good one?

So my new motto in life is going to be that I'm going to be me. take it or leave it.

Now if I could only figure out who that is..... that would be really nice!